Marraiges made in heaven.. but lived on earth

The subject for this post was brewing in my mind for quite sometime now and what I present here is followed after a discussion with many subjects, most of them are women.

Why do women marry? or for that matter men?


To just provide an objective picture, I would share some data as well.

I surveyed around 30+ people in the age group 25 to 55 and I asked them the same question - Why did you marry and in case you are still not married, why do you think you should marry?

I would also talk a bit about the demographics. Out of those 30 odd people almost 60% were women and 3 women were homemakers. Out of the men I have interviewed, all of them were below 40 and each one of them was earning. The men and women were all city dwellers and around 70% were married and 30% unmarried.

Now, something very interesting came up in my research.

Men usually said it in more or less the same terms - they needed someone to share their life with, to find support in a partner - physical as well as mental and in some cases it was to extend their family, continue their legacy as well.

In contrast to this, responses from women were much more interesting. Most of them married because they had to (60% of all women interviewed), some of them married because they were afraid they would grow old alone, some of them needed companionship and some needed an institution to legalize sex. Well, these responses are much more varied than the responses given by men which hovered around the romantic associations of a marriage.

Now, let us analyze these responses one by one. Men said they needed companionship - does this mean they value companionship above everything else including sex. I doubt (am a woman - this skepticism is acceptable ). Infact, one of the men responded merrily - I was having sex anyways. Why would I marry just for it? Does this mean men are more flirtatious and have casual sex than women? Probably yes or probably not. It might also be reflecting the way our social fabric is woven - A man even though might not be indulging in casual sex but it is more acceptable for him if he chooses to do so. Whereas, women more often than not needed commitment in the form of marriage from the person they have sex with. Exception exist but that is not the normal course of action a woman takes. Hence, it is important for woman to marry to have the PERMIT for sex with her husband.

Men romanticized the idea of marriage more than women. Does this mean they are softer in heart than they actually show? Might be.... But one thing is clear, lesser men marry because they had to. They were not under extreme pressure as were some women I interviewed to get married or rather in normal language 'SETTLED'. Many of the men did marry coz their friends got married and they couldn't find a person to go out with on weekends. It was loneliness which drove them rather than love or some kind of high, lofty ideas.

One thing I found common across both genders - they both were afraid of being lonely. Women more so but even men had insecurities. I can safely say that rather than some lofty, grand ideas of marriage, its practical necessity to have someone share your life with and getting social sanction while doing the same, was the main reason behind most of the people deciding to get married. Now, whether they have achieved what they expected from this new chapter in their lives, is a matter for another post. Keep looking out for more.

Agree to Disagree

"We agree to disagree with each other." How many people do you find with this attitude? Atleast I am not lucky in this respect, I admit.

This is one thought am dwelling upon these days. I have observed people from different strata of society and found this as common - their unwillingness to experiment with disagreement. It is very easy to agree with someone but to disagree, you not only need conviction in your beliefs but also a healthy respect for every other beliefs, however diverging those can be from the ones u hold dear.

I have found myself disagreeing with people on the disagreement issue lately. Somehow, I find this limitation for our own intellectual growth and when I tell it to people, they get offended. We take everything so personally. If I tell someone I do not appreciate some part of a movie and am perfectly OK if someone else finds it awesomely awesome, I am considered as a person who has challenged some kind of collective wits. I really don't know what the fuss is all about. I very well am entitled to have my own opinions and am willing to agree for a disagreement. Then why do people consider it a case of treading out of the line.

They do accept your disagreement under two conditions : 1. U are in an authoritative position and they can not AFFORD to disagree with u (this is an assumption they have). 2. They just do not want to get on ur wrong side ( you are perceived as a fierce person). 3. They do not have the time or energy to pursue the disagreement ( I know this is the 3rd one even when I mentioned there are only two conditions. So what!! Live with it :) )

Belonging to a culture which is very adaptive, coming from Indian, this resistance is somewhat surprising for me. Well, I can attribute our innate sense to agree mostly to our non-conflicting attitude. But then what might be the reason for being so defensive or possessive against non-confirmation? Aren't we being the opposite of what we set out to achieve in the very first place? I find this a paradox which is so very evident yet, unchallenged. And yeah am getting a kick out of challenging it :) .. me the restless soul :).. me the rebel :).

Where Dream merges into reality - Inception personified

Dreams and Reality are separated by a thin line of consciousness. The debate that goes on in everyone's mind is - Are we living our dreams or is it a reality. Our thoughts and actions if define us, then aren't all of us dreaming.. as its our dreams which are thoughts translated into tangible forms. Am i going obtruse? May be or may be not.. who knows other than my innermost thought and consciousness. The point is - can I or someone else can be consciously a part of my subconscious mind?

Christopher Nolan did a wonderful job in confirming one view of mine - he gave a canvas to something I found too weird to even express it to someone. I had so many deja-vu s in life that somehow I had no other choice but to attribute each one of those to some dream of mine. If answering honestly, yes - I do dream about some future event. I do not know how and why but it has happened more than once and I can no longer attribute it to my fancy. Dreams into dreams is a reality for me.. I have woken up in my dreams to find out that I need to wake up once again to be back to life. I do not remember most of the events that happen in those dreams - not even my immediate dream but I get this vague feeling that things are changed.

Seems like am repeating the concept of Inception - but no, this is my reality and it existed much before CN even came into movie making. I have solved numerous complex mathematics problems in my dream, learnt how to ride a bicycle and knew the solutions to more complex emotional issues after a dreamy sleep. Yes, even today I sleep over issues am not able to solve and I know I will know the answers when I get up. This is my subconscious working while am sleeping physically. I dream about a reality and it manifests itself into the real world. I do get inspired by my dreams.. I get pained by them..

Inception made me question one thing - are my dreams real or are they my subconscious response to all my perceptions. Do they move in a random order or is there some architect who has designed my dream for me? Is there an alternate reality within my dreams? Why do some of the times I know whats going to happen next because I have seen the action take part years or days ago in my dream? I do not have answers to these - I do not believe I have any kind of psychic power. I do not even know whether it happens to most of the people or am I one of the few.

Well... I think about it right now and the only thing I can conclude is : I do not understand it and I do not even want to. This weirdness is a part of me and that's it. No more conscious dwelling on the issue.. "Inception is for real or not" :)

Waka Waka - This time for Afrika

Football Mania 2010 has gripped the whole world. In this times, when we all are busy sorting our own problems out, we have a gaming event which has untied us all in its passion, its action and its enchanting liveliness. Yes, world cup 2010 has perspectives as it never had before. Few of the reasons I feel this world cup is closer to me than any I have ever witnessed :
1. This is a trying time for all of us. We face terrorism, nuclear warheads, poverty, energy crisis, crime rates and what not. It seems that the end of the world is near and in such a time, we are witnessing an event which has brought us all closer to each other. We are here crying together over a missed goal, shrieking with joy over a head butt and groaning together each time there is a near miss. How beautiful it is to hug a stranger from a different continent sitting beside me without any prejudice or ill feeling.
2. This time for Afrika - Africa as a continent has been neglected for too long. Whoever went there, it was only for the continent's abundance. Aids, famine, poverty, lack of education, health issues...... these are few of the grim realities of this beautiful continent. World Cup 2010 has brought a pride to this land. They are hosting a world event and now getting the attention of everyone to their problems. One goal - eradiaction of poverty through education is a cause which is synonymous with this year game.
3. Players and History - It has been a long time since we have seen the likes of Maradona or Pele on football ground. The whole world is waiting for another legend and wishing that this world cup gives birth to one. I have my prayers too.. Amen. :)
4. Reach - This is the world cup with maximum reach ever. Internet and 3G networks along with satellite TVs have made it possible for everyone to follow this fever.. whatever be the time zone. And being in India where the match timings are usually past midnight, it has become very easy to watch the best moments without missing out on work.
5. The biggest reason of it all - I am missing any kinda action and nothing is better than Football to make my adrenaline rush :).

Mamta Banerjee - A new hope for West Bengal

This post has been inspired by the recent debacle of left in Kolkata Muncipal elections. TMC has come out as a force to reckon and more importantly is the "People's choice". Personally, I interviewed atleast a dozen of people belonging to very low income group and found that they were unanimous in their decision. Why? And pat came the answer - "Mamta di amar kashto boojhbe"; "Didi amar sonkat door korte hobe".. all eyes are now on "Didi" to fix things up. Being a non-bengali I had to take some time out to analyze what goes beneath this trust. Is it for real and deserved or just a reaction to apathy of the left.. ?? I am here on an exploration trip and would try to do justice to my journey.

Mamta Banerjee - Iron lady of bengal, was born on 5th January, 1955 in a not so affluent family in erstwhile Calcutta. She joined politics as a youth leader for Congress in 1970s. She quickly rose to higher ranks and in 1984 became one of the youngest parliamentarians after beating Somnath Chatterjee. She has remained highly visible in the national political landscape since those times.

Now, a bit of analysis - She has time and again, vociferously protested against whatever she thinks is not ideologically correct. She is seen as a "Clean" and "Honest" politician, a feat achieved by very few present day leaders. She chooses to live simply and has gone against her own party (most of the cases it was Congress(I) or NDA ) to ask for what is right.

Will she be able to live upto the promises Mamta has made to the people of bengal and to India? Only time will tell, but people of kolkata have given out their verdict They want to give an eccentric, vocal but honest leader a chance to change their state. More than three decades is a long enough time for left to prove it could not help bengal much.. now its upto Didi to show what her true mettle is.

PS: The analysis is far from over. For more on politics in West Bengal, look out for posts soon.